


Enjoin

by breatherepeat



Series: Learning to love yourself [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Family Issues, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Content, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-27 00:09:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20398447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: The emails had been sent to his family and Dan attempts to process not getting a response from his father. This chapter set is heavy with angst and father issues, but it is needed to get to the other side.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoin- verb  
to prescribe (a course of action) with authority or emphasis, 
> 
> to direct or order to do something, or
> 
> Law. to prohibit or restrain by an injunction.

Dan woke with a start. He was in their bedroom. Phil was sound asleep on the other side of the bed. A bed that they could finally afford that would fit their size. There was a soft nightlight illuminating the wall near the entrance to the bathroom. 

Looking at his phone, Dan saw that it was 3:37 in the morning. There were a few business emails and a text from his brother waiting to be opened, but not the message he wanted to see.

His brother replied immediately following the email. His mother a few hours later. His mother must have rang his grandmother because she replied soon afterward. His granddad did not reply, but his grandmother mentioned him in her email. A few of his other extended family members replied back as well. He hadn’t sent them the detailed email as he did his immediate family, but he sent a basic one stating he was gay and in a relationship. He wanted to rip that plaster off and have everyone know. 

That was five days ago and there was nothing from his father. 

After his failed attempts at telling them in person, Dan had a plan to ring them all on a conference call and read them a pre-written statement. But he figured that would be too hard to coordinate and awkward as hell. He settled on written communication because then everyone could read it on their own and digest the information as needed. He set his expectations low and told himself he would be fine if no one replied back. The replies he received were encouraging and respectful about the news. 

He had been texting with Adrian fairly regularly now and Adrian confirmed to him that it was very likely that everyone already suspected it anyway. Dan was just confirming it and allowing it to be out in the open. 

Dan was getting ready to start filming the video and he needed his family to know before he shared it with the world. 

The marathon didn't happen because Dan was too stressed about telling his family that he buckled. He was not in the physical condition to complete the task. And he was especially not emotionally ready to put himself through that pressure. While training for it was a nice distraction from reality, there was a strong possibility that he would completely embarrass himself if he decided to actually run in it. 

Everyone had been supportive of his decision to hold off on the marathon and that gave Dan the courage to hit the send button on the emails. 

The night the emails were sent, Phil and him had a mini celebration with a nice meal ordered in and some wine. Phil did his best to distract him through the meal, but Dan did not end up eating half of his food. He focused on drinking his fair share of the wine and allowed the alcohol to soothe his nerves. 

Phil attempted to start something before they went to bed, with both loose from the wine. But Dan told him he just wasn’t in the right mindset. Phil respected that Dan needed time, with their sex life mainly on pause since Dan started to really work through his emotions about the past. 

Even though they haven’t been having sex, Dan felt their intimacy had increased within the past few months. Both were taking time to care for one another and were checking in with one another. They shared thoughts and feelings that had been repressed and set aside during their busy lives. They had the freedom of putting their careers on pause and, without being constantly watched and expected to produce new content, they found a new way of interacting with one another. It was truly their time to spend during whatever they wanted. They touched each other and sought comfort in one another daily, but the sex part had been set aside. Both knew it would come back and neither was concerned. 

Now it was five days after the email and Dan was ready to move forward. Setting his phone down, Dan went into the bathroom and swiftly shut the door to not disturb Phil.

Dan had had a baby face for most of his life but puberty was finally changing some of his facial structures. He felt like a proper adult now, not just one playing house. He felt like he was developing into a man. Phil commented on it at the beginning of the year as well. Dan felt different in his arms. More solid and stable. It felt like a natural progression with all the sorting out of his life happenings. 

.

Before he woke up, Dan had been dreaming about when he and Phil had first gotten together. How the intensity of their connection was overwhelming for them both and the need to just be physically around one another consumed them. 

Phil was the best person for Dan to explore that side of himself with. Phil was older and had more confidence about being in a relationship with a man, but he still had a boyish charm and he had never been in love before. Their developing relationship and feelings for one another was new for both of them and they were both learning as they went along. 

After their first kiss, it felt like both couldn’t get enough of one another. Both of their lips felt used in a way that neither had experienced before. It wasn’t like it was with his girlfriend, he wasn’t in his head the whole time. When he was with Phil, he could be inside his body and just feel everything without wondering what it all meant. 

They were both very aware of how quickly everything was happening and how it could all go away if they weren't careful with it. Ideas of love were not spoken of in the beginning, but both felt it. There was a part of Dan’s brain screaming at him to just take the chance and allow himself to give in to the urges. But there was a larger part of his brain freaking out about all these feelings being about a man. Thoughts that popped up when he was doing random tasks throughout the day.

When he was home and away from Phil, thinking the thoughts he didn’t want to think, he found that he wasn’t attending to the things he was meant to be thinking about. His future was anxiously waiting for him in the upcoming months and he still didn’t have a plan. His father reminded him quite regularly that he needed to figure out what he was going to do with his life because life was not going to wait for him. Dan wanted to be in the entertainment world, but he quit theatre when it was reinforced to him again and again that it was "a bit gay." And entertainment was not a stable career choice. He needed something to support himself with and be able to move out of his parents' house.

His father had a job that took him away for periods of time. And even when he was home, Dan and him just didn’t have that much in common. Dan tried to make an effort with Formula 1 racing and there was some music that they could talk about, but for the most part, they had nothing to say to one another. 

His father made comments about his hair and his clothes. About his friends and his level of effort at life. But the comments were fleeting and never backed up with a full out discussion. 

Until he noticed that Dan had found something else to avoid his responsibilities. His father came home and found that Dan had went away for Halloween when he was just away days before. And he had plans to leave yet again for the next weekend. 

“You are going to end up wasting your life away if you don’t get serious soon, Daniel.” 

“Your mother and I got you this far in life, but we are not going to support you forever.” 

“It is time you figure out university and how to get in. You need to follow through on something and make a commitment.” 

“Maybe it is best if you stay home and focus your attention on your future.” 

“Why do you have to visit mates so far away? What happened to your mates here?”

“I didn’t sacrifice my plans in life so you could waste yours away.” 

That one hit Dan hard and he did something he rarely did with his father, he challenged back. 

“I didn’t choose to be born, you know. Maybe you should have had Mum just swallow and you wouldn’t have to deal with me.” 

The silence stretched for what felt like hours. Both staring down one another and waiting for the other to do something. 

It was his father that moved first. They were stood in the kitchen, with his father advancing toward Dan in a manner similar to the lads at school. He stopped just short of being directly in Dan’s personal space and placed his hand on Dan’s chest, pushing Dan back against the refrigerator, and just glaring at him. 

“You are never to speak of your mother like that again.” 

“But it is true. Isn’t it? If Mum didn’t get pregnant then I wouldn’t have ruined your plans. And you wouldn’t have to deal with me and my fuck ups.” Dan took a shallow breath and saw the tension increasing in his father’s face. “You could have waited and had a son that you really wanted. One that cares about sports and knows how to dress like a man. One that wouldn’t come home with bruises because the other boys saw something in him that scared them or something they desired. A son that you wouldn’t have to avoid looking in the eye because he wouldn’t be...” 

“Daniel, enough!” His father's hand pressed harder against Dan’s chest. Dan was pushing it too far. This wasn't to be talked about. 

Dan knew that his father had known about him since before Dan even knew himself. His father would make comments here and there. Nothing outright derogatory but heavily implied. Dan wasn’t the son he thought he would have and he didn’t know to to bond with a son like Dan. 

“You are not.” His father pressed his weigh onto Dan's chest, his fingers pressing into Dan's skin enough that it hurt. Direct eye contact was made and held as he declared. “And you _never _will be.”

It was the closest his father had ever came to directly acknowledging that he knew the same thing Dan knew. Dan was different and it was wrong. It wasn't right to be what he was. Dan couldn’t answer him. Dan thought boys' eyes were pretty and he wanted to touch their bodies. Dan had kissed Phil and touched him. Dan knew what Phil tasted like and he wanted more with Phil. Being with Phil felt better than anything he ever felt with a girl. But that was wrong and he was wrong for wanting it.

“Figure something out. And you are not going anywhere this weekend. End of.” His father turned to walk out of the kitchen. 

Dan’s voice was strained but he wasn’t shouting. “I bought the ticket and made plans. I’m going.” 

His father continued to walk away and didn’t acknowledge that he heard what Dan had said.

Dan’s father continued to address the issue of university and Dan’s future, but they never spoke again about the thing they didn’t really speak about. 

Dan went to Phil that weekend, and kissed and touched him. And he kept going back many more times after that. 

When Dan had sex with Phil the first time, it was everything he wanted. They spoke about it beforehand and discussed limits and what each other was comfortable with. They fumbled through it but in the end found a rhythm that was right for them. It was over quickly, the anticipation and want allowing them both to get lost in it. In that moment, having Phil inside him calmed every doubt he had about himself and the relationship. Afterward, Phil asked if Dan was okay. Dan nodded and kissed him, before asking if he was okay. Phil had been extremely nervous about having sex with Dan, mainly because he knew it was going to be Dan’s first time and he wanted to make it right for him. Another reason was because he was falling head over heels in love with him and he didn’t want to do anything that would ruin what they had with one another. 

They kissed some more and then fell asleep wrapped up in one another, whispering back and forth about how much they adored the other. 

Dan woke before Phil the next morning. He went to use the toilet and smiled as he saw Phil had left the hallway light on so Dan could see any ghosts that wanted to murder him. As he walked, he could still feel where Phil had been inside him. They used more lube than they needed, but Dan could still feel him and it made him feel things he wasn’t ready for. 

Using the toilet quickly, Dan found himself staring into the mirror. His hair was getting longer, with Dan allowing it to grow because he had the freedom to do that now. His face still looked young despite his age and what he had done the night before. He felt young as well. Phil didn't talk much about their age difference but Dan was fully aware of it as he stood staring into the mirror. Maybe he was too young for Phil. Maybe Phil was going to grow tired of Dan once he realized Dan had no real plans for his life and he was just going to hold him back. Phil would surely get sick of Dan constantly pulling away anytime Phil went to touch him when there were other people around. Phil would leg it when he realized Dan could never tell his family about them. Dan would never be the person Phil deserved. 

Dan felt the quickening of his breathing and the tightening in his chest. He couldn't look at himself any longer. 

He went back to Phil and kissed along his neck until he woke. He needed Phil to make the panicked thoughts go away. Phil was confused when he woke to Dan sucking along his neck, but he quickly joined in on Dan’s mood and they fell back into the rhythm they had the night before and Dan was able to get out of his head again. 

Just as he had years before, standing at another mirror panicking about the truth about himself, Dan found he couldn't look at himself any longer. 

The room was dark but Dan could find Phil in any light. Getting back into his side, Dan reached for him across the bed and found Phil lying on his side, facing Dan. His Phil was older now, with age giving him sharper lines and more defined features. Phil looked, and felt, like a man. Dan kissed along his neck and slid his hand down his bare stomach to his pants. With his hand wrapped around Phil’s length, Dan moved in a familiar pattern and Phil was moaning into his touch before he was even awake. 

It took a minute for Phil to realize what was happening and that he wasn’t dreaming. “Dan, what’s going on?” 

“I need you.” Dan moved closer to Phil’s body and wrapped his free hand along Phil’s back to pull him closer. Phil easily moved into the open space between Dan’s legs. “Please.” 

“I’m right here.” Phil found Dan’s mouth and kissed him, pressing his body down against the warm body underneath him. 

Dan removed his hand and gave Phil one last lingering kiss before he reached for the lube in the bedside table. Finding it, Dan threw it next to them and began to pull down his pants. Phil followed soon after and pressed back against Dan. Dan wasn't hard and Phil reached for him to help him along. Phil kissed down Dan’s neck to his chest. He didn’t need to see to know where every part of Dan’s body was underneath him. He had spent ten years studying his body and he knew every curve. 

Despite Phil's hand on him, Dan wasn't getting hard and he pushed it away so Phil could focus on getting him ready. Dan opened the bottle and covered Phil’s fingers before tossing it back aside. He wanted to stop thinking and he almost didn’t want to wait for Phil to stretch him. It had been longer than they had ever gone in years and he knew Phil was going to be extra delicate with him. 

“Phil, I need to feel you inside me.” Dan whined as Phil started with gentle touches. “Please.”

“We haven't done this in ages and I’m not going to hurt you.” Phil said yet increased to two fingers and pressed in a bit further. “Let me make this good.” 

Dan lost himself in the feel of Phil’s fingers inside him but soon it wasn’t enough and he needed more or his mind was going to start down a bad path and this would all be for nothing. 

“Now, Phil.” Dan reached for Phil and waited for Phil to move his fingers out of the way before he pressed Phil’s cock into him. It was a little rougher than he would have liked but it was stopping the thoughts and that was enough. Phil was starting to move but he was still going too slow. He loved how Phil was trying to take care of him, but he needed more. “Phil, please. I need to feel you all the way in me.” 

Phil pressed the rest of the way in and for a moment, it was everything Dan needed. He was gay and doing the gayest thing he could imagine, and he was okay. And then next, it wasn’t.

The first noise sounded like one of pleasure, so Phil continued and pressed halfway out and then back in again. Settling again fully inside Dan, Phil knew Dan like it best when Phil would wait there until Dan gave him a sign to continue. 

The second noise was clearly a sob and it echoed through the silent room. Phil attempted to move away, but Dan wrapped his arms tight around Phil’s back and hugged him close while he sobbed into his shoulder. Phil did the same, with his arms moving underneath Dan’s shoulders and pressing into him. Phil whispered that he loved him and that it was alright, he wasn’t sure that Dan could even hear him over the sounds he was making.

Phil slid out of him as he softened, but he stayed as close to Dan as he could. The loud sobs were gone and now Dan was just breathing hard against his skin, every now and then a soft cry would leave his lips. Phil continued whispering soft words to Dan and waited for the next sign of what to do. 

Dan felt raw and exposed, like he could never let Phil go again or he would completely fall apart. He had an intense thought of not having Phil anymore, or never having him at all, and it made him almost start sobbing again. His fingers dug into Phil's skin as he cried into Phil's shoulder. “Please never leave me.” 

“Shhhhh, I’m not going anywhere.” Phil kissed Dan’s head and squeezed him harder. “I love you. I’m right here.” 

“My dad caught me once. He came home and I was watching a video with headphones on. It was a video of two guys sitting with some of their female friends. I think one was gay and the other straight. Emo hair and dress. It was a homemade video and grainy, and old even for the time. They were kissing and the camera angle was bad, and I think the girls were laughing but egging them on. I found the video earlier in the day and I kept going back to watch it. It made me hard but I was too afraid to touch myself. Thank God because I don’t know if he would have let me survive that.” 

“What did he do?” Phil knew most of the issues Dan had with his father. Phil heard most of them when Dan and him were getting together. Dan’s father had been an obstacle that Dan needed to get past at the time. Dan hardly ever mentioned his father in a negative light to him anymore, but it was different with Dan not living with his parents anymore. 

“He ripped the headphones off and slammed the laptop down. I was sat at the kitchen table. No one was home and he wasn’t meant to be home from a trip until the next day. He said nothing. Then he didn’t look at me for another week.” 

“I’m sorry he didn’t know how to accept you.” Phil brushed back Dan’s hair and kissed his temple. "For whatever in his life had taught him you are wrong for what you are."

“I couldn’t take it anymore. All the thoughts and the comments. The guys at school. Getting beat up and constantly waiting for something to happen. My dad. My teachers. My girlfriend that I was just hurting because I couldn’t be honest with her. My mum's eyes when I made her cry because I wouldn't talk to her.” Dan paused and fought to say the next part. “I wanted to make it all go away. It was too much. I told myself I could make it all go away.” 

Phil kissed Dan’s temple again and then his lips, feeling his own tears forming. He knew what Dan was trying to say. Dan spoke around it over the years, but Phil had the suspicion that there was more to Dan’s comments at times. 

“But then I even failed at that.” Dan rested his forehead against Phil’s and fought off another crying attack. “I was so angry. I couldn't even end it. How pathetic."

“I’m so grateful that you found the courage to keep trying. I don’t know where I would be without you in my life.” Phil went to move onto his back and felt Dan's grip increase to stop Phil from moving away. He kissed his forehead again and pulled Dan to rest against his chest, squeezing him just as tight as before. "I'm not going anywhere.

Dan pressed against Phil's side and felt the tears returning, “Why can't he just fucking email me back?”


	2. Chapter 2

It took most of the night, but the video was filmed. He needed to go back through and edit it, but it was a relief to finally have it out of his head. He planned and planned for it, with the idea in his head for more than a year.

It was around 2 in the morning, but he felt energized and like he needed to do something. Like run down the streets or climb a mountain. Something big to equal the adrenaline racing through his veins and the sense of peace he rarely felt outside of being attached to Phil.

Phil was in their room, having been banished there when Dan felt he was too much of a distraction to have wandering around the flat while he filmed.

Dan had pushed back the day he was going to film for four days waiting for a response from his father. After the fourth day, Phil told him to just get it done and then worry about his father later. Dan needed Phil to push him at times and Phil knew when it was appropriate. Dan wanted an amble amount of time to edit before posting it in June. If he didn’t get it on video soon, he wouldn’t have the time to obsess about editing it. Then he might just push it back again. Dan was ready. It needed to get done and Phil made sure of it.

Phil was lying with his back propped up on their bed, his laptop open in front of him and the flashing lights of a video highlighting the tired look on his face. His glasses were on, with Phil now rarely using his contacts outside of a day where he was filming. They irritated his eyes and it was just easier to use the glasses. And Dan had been obsessed with them lately, so why bother poking his eyes when glasses would make them both happy.

Bouncing down on the bed and getting Phil’s attention, Dan could feel his whole face smiling. “We need to go somewhere tomorrow. Maybe even right now.”

“At,” Phil paused his otter video and glanced down at the time on the screen, and then back up, “half past two in the morning?”

“Yes.” Dan nodded as he crawled across the bed to Phil. He was still wearing the clothes he filmed in and was a bit sweaty after filming in front of the lights. Moving the laptop aside, Dan moved his leg over Phil’s legs and sat down on his thighs. Tracing imaginary lines on Phil’s bare chest with his fingers, Dan smiled down at Phil in a way he had been smiling at him for years. With utter adoration and affection.

“Where will we go?” Phil rested his hands on Dan’s upper thighs before moving them down to the top of his knees and back again. Dan was in a playful mood and he was curious where his mood would lead them. "Most places we would frequent are closed."

“Some place exotic.”

“Starbucks?”

“Further away.”

“Antarctica?”

“Warmer.”

“Australia?”

“Been there, mate.” Dan traced his way down Phil’s stomach and just rested his hands near Phil’s hips. “I don’t feel like flying a whole day to get bitten by a spider or melt under their sun.”

“What about renting some place near the water?”

“Now you are feeling the vibes I’m feeling.” Dan rose up onto his knees and gently pushed Phil's legs open so he could lie down on top of Phil. He laid his head on his chest and rested his cheek on Phil’s warm skin. Afterward, he wrapped both of his arms around Phil’s back, with Phil leaning forward a bit so Dan’s arms would fit behind him. Once he was settled, Dan added, “We should rent a vehicle too.”

“And a driver? Both of our licenses are expired.” Phil raised his left hand up to play with Dan’s hair. It was a bit sweaty underneath but his curls were extra bouncy at the ends. His right arm rested along Dan’s upper back.

“Renewed it.” Dan let his eyes close as he took in the scent of Phil, a wave of content exhaustion going through his whole body. Maybe he wasn’t going to go running down the streets tonight.

“When did you do that?”

“Last year. After tour.” Dan answered as he yawned, feeling his body start to fall asleep.

“What possessed you to renew it?”

“We were looking at houses outside the city.” Dan allowed himself to sink further into the feeling of contentment. “Most places don’t have easy public transport.”

“Maybe I should renew mine?”

“Nah. I am not allowing you to do that.”

“Not allowing me?” Phil playfully tugged a fist full of Dan’s hair on the top of his head.

Dan tensed immediately and his content mood was gone. He didn’t like Phil to pull his hair in the beginning of their relationship, but he had moved past that years ago. All the thinking about the past and exhuming old memories had brought back up some old issues.

Phil realized his mistake as soon as he did it, with Dan’s whole body becoming stiff and the mood in the room changing. Phil gently released his hair and moved his arms out, so they were not touching any part of Dan. “I’m sorry.”

“Go back to brushing your fingers through my hair. I like that.” Dan allowed himself to relax and found the content mood returned as soon as Phil’s fingers were back in his hair. He was proud of himself for recovering so quickly. Maybe this whole self-discovery and acceptance thing was working after all.

“Why can’t I drive?”

“Would you like that list alphabetized or written in order of importance?”

“I would prefer it crossed referenced as well.”

“I wouldn’t be able to function knowing that you were behind the wheel of a massive piece of metal capable of killing people. Especially if there would be a car seat in the back.”

“Are we thinking about that again?”

“I think about that a lot.”

“Same.”

The big grand adventure was pushed back to later in the month. They couldn’t decide on a place to go and wanted to look around before committing to something.

Dan let the video rest for two days and then started editing it. Watching himself waffle on about his family made him what to ring his mother. So being the new and improved version of himself, he did.

She answered on the third ring and greeted him as she typically would. Dan did his typical greeting back and asked her if she had time to talk. She had the day off, with an appointment earlier in the morning being the perfect excuse to stay home and finish up some tasks around the house.

The line stayed silent after his mother explained why she had the time during the day to talk. They hadn’t spoken on the phone since before the email. To be exact, their last phone call was when Dan told her he wasn’t going to complete the marathon. He had wanted to tell her on the phone then, but the words didn’t come.

“How are things?” His mother broke the silence.

“Surprisingly, a bit underwhelming. You hype something up in your head so much and you forget for everyone else, it is just Tuesday night as usual.”

The silence entered the conversation again and Dan bit the inside of his cheek, there was so much to say and nothing was coming out of his mouth.

“Are we going to talk about it?” His mother broke the silence again and Dan was grateful she was pushing the issue.

“Would you like to talk about it?”

“I have wanted to talk about it since you were young. Since you came home crying one day and didn’t come out of your room no matter how much we tried to bribe you with sweets.”

“I didn’t know how to talk about it then. Fuck, I hardly know how to talk about it now.”

“I guess I understand that. It must have been scary, not knowing how we could react.”

Dan bit the inside of his cheek harder. He wanted to tell her that he didn’t tell them for various reasons, but one of the major ones was that Dan had a pretty good idea how his father would react. He wondered if they ever talked about it. His mother never had a comment either way, whether he grew his hair long or begged for the money to buy a shirt that made him look like a scene kid. She was an advocate for self-expression and knew Dan was trying out different identities as teenagers do.

“Did you ever talk about it? With Dad?”

“Somewhat. It was harder back then, our jobs overlapped one another and we didn’t have much time together. We talked about you isolating yourself in your room and about you trying to avoid going to school on occasion. We talked about the bruises you came home with at times as well.”

“What did he say?”

“Honestly, not much. He didn’t want you to struggle so much, but he didn’t know how to talk to you about it. He said he tried to give advice but you refused to talk to him.”

Dan snorted at her answer.

"What was that for?" Her voice sounded annoyed and Dan wondered if this was a proper conversation to have over the phone.

"He never..." Dan stopped himself, feeling like he was going to say something he would regret if he continued. "He never emailed me back, you know? He never rings me, so I didn't expect a phone call, but to not even take the time to hit reply? How much effort does that take? Click the button, write something encouraging, and click another button."

"I'm not the keeper of your father, Daniel. If you want to talk to him, ring him. Or come see him. You know how he is."

The silence entered into the conversation again. Maybe this wasn't the best way to have this conversation. Opening his mouth to make up an excuse to end the call, Dan stopped when his mother spoke again. The annoyance was out of her voice and she sounded sad.

"I tried to talk to you. Back then. You shut us out, Daniel."

"I barely knew how to process it myself, let alone talk to my parents about it."

"I'm not blaming you. I'm not judging you. I'm simply offering my perspective on the situation."

"He told me I couldn't be... He made comments about it all the time. You must have heard them. He must have said them to you."

"Your father?"

"Yes."

"What did he say?"

"He pushed me against the refrigerator, dug his fingers into my chest so hard they left marks, and in no uncertain terms, told me I was not gay and I could never be gay."

"When was this?"

"I was 18. He was upset because I had been putting off university. And kept going to see Phil. That was the time he said it directly. But he made comments all the time, Mum."

"I didn't know."

"He never could even look at me. He told me to change how I dressed and to cut my hair. He said I should get a girlfriend so the blokes at school would stop giving me black eyes. The only time he talked to me was to criticize me. How was I supposed to talk to him about something that even I didn't understand?"

"I knew you struggled with him, but you struggled with everyone. Try not to make him out to be a villain in your story. How many times did you beg us to go live with your grandparents?"

"Maybe you should have let me. You didn't seem to mind when I was little."

"That was by necessity, not by choice. You were a surprise and we needed to sort out ourselves before we could focus on you. There was a lot going on back then, things you don't even know about."

"A mistake, you mean?" Dan's tone was harsh and he knew he was being unfair to her, but the dam was open and he needed to get it out.

"No. Not a mistake. A mistake is something you would change if you could. I would never change having you."

"Maybe you shouldn't of had me."

"Daniel." She was hurt. He hurt her.

Silence.

"Do you honestly think that? That everyone would have been better off if you never existed?"

"I did then. Before I moved out of that house I hated everything about me. I hated that I was this 'other' that made me not be able to fit in. I hated that I had to be the person that was threatened and hurt because of something I couldn't change about myself. I tried to change it, Mum. I tried so hard to change it. And when I couldn't change it, I tried to kill myself but I couldn't knowing that Adrian or you were going to have to find me like that. That you would have to ring grandma and tell her that her pooh bear topped himself." Dan sucked in a breath. His hands were trembling. "I couldn't do that to you, or Adrian. I especially couldn't do that to grandma. I wished it on myself though. That maybe it would just happen and it wouldn't be my fault."

Dan could hear his mother crying on the other side of the line and it made his eyes water.

"I didn't know. If I would have known, I would have told you that I wouldn't have been able to handle it if you killed yourself. I would have told you that I loved you, no matter what. I do, love you, you know. You are my first born. You taught me to be a mum. You were the first person I loved more than myself."

Silence. Both were trying to catch their breath and calm themselves down.

After a few minutes, his mother asked, "Do you still think that? That everyone would be better off if you were not born?"

"Maybe it would have been easier for everyone. For you. And Dad. Yes."

"Do you have thoughts about killing yourself now?"

"I could never do that to Phil." Dan brushed away a tear with the end of his shirt, and balled the end of the shirt into his fist. "God, he would be...I couldn't do that to him. It is a thought I have at times, when the depression gets bad. But I'm happy now. He makes me so fucking happy, Mum. Through this whole thing, especially this last year. Now, I finally, I don't know, I'm finally able to try to love myself."

"I'm happy for you. I hope you never experience anything like that again. And if you do, I want to know about it. Tell me."

"I'll try. Talking is hard at times."

"Is that why you didn't tell me earlier? Because of your father? Or because you thought I agreed with what he was saying to you?"

"Maybe. I fell in love with Phil and that part was always easy as long as no one knew. But it was harder to live with myself knowing that I was something that could make me lose my family. And you never asked. Even when I begged to have him come 'round. And when I added his name in to most of my conversations with you. You never asked."

"I didn't know if I was allowed. I knew he made you happy and I figured it was more than friendship between you. I guess we all need to work on communicating with each other better."

"Agreed." Dan heard the entrance door shut, signaling that Phil was home from his errand. "Phil's back. I need to go."

"Daniel?"

"Yes, Mum."

"I'm proud of you. I always have been. I'm sorry if I didn't say that enough to you."

"Thank you." Dan paused. "I'll ring you before I post the video."

"I look forward to it."

Dan wiped his eyes to clear his vision before standing to go to the lounge to meet Phil. The ends of his sleeves were damp and still being held tight in his fists. His face must look a mess, but he didn't have to hide that from Phil.

"Hello you." Dan got out before his whole face crumpled into itself and the tears were back full force.

Phil dropped the bags he held on the sofa and hugged Dan close to him, swaying their bodies side to side.

Dan wrapped his arms under Phil's arms and tight around his back, pressing his face into the comfort of his neck and working on slowing down his breathing. He was wrecked but he felt like the conversation with his mother was an important milestone. It wasn't quite like climbing a mountain, but it was comparable.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked as he stopped their swaying and placed both his hands on Dan's jaw to stand him up. Dan's eyes were red and his face flush, with dampness around his nose from the crying. As Dan shook his head in answer, Phil pulled him back into a hug and held him close.

That night, as the pair laid asleep near one another, their fingers overlapping, having falling sleep in each other's arms but drifted away as they slept, Dan's phone lit up with a text message before going dark again.

_I thought I was doing what was best for you._

_I had a lot to learn about being a father,_

_especially a father to a gay son. I was_

_struggling with depression throughout_

_most of your childhood and adolescence._

_I should have gotten help sooner. It is not_

_an excuse, but it is what it is._

The phone lit up again before going dark once more.

_I'm proud of the person you are. I would_

_like to get to know you, if you will allow it._

_Phil as well._


End file.
